Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
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[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻