If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
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*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
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I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.