son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
You Might Also Like
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*