I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
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[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote