me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
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My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too