7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
You Might Also Like
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Me recordaron éste meme
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
TEETH IS INNOCENT
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.