Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
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[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…