I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
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The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.