I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
You Might Also Like
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant