I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
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I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
become ungovernable
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.