I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
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In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.