The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
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Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
I love the National Park Service.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.