If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
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[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.