Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
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My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
I hate when that happens.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.