Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
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Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.