Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
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One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
🤣😂
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick