We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
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*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men