I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
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When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
we’re gonna need another temp
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.