I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
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I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
“no gods no masters” = leo
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.