I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
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How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
I need this for my side hustle.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?