Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
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the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts