“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
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Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient