I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
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giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?