As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
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“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
That’s classic.