The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
You Might Also Like
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
My inexpensive home security system…
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand