What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
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This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*