*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
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The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
who did the taste test?
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.