Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
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I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
No chill.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!