You Might Also Like
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
Interior design 👌
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me