I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
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Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
I want this so bad
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.