I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
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[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
Worlds greatest photobomb
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?