ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
You Might Also Like
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.