We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
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*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.