Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
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My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Close call…
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.