I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
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[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*