From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
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Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!