shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
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Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell