Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
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Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Your honor these allegations are
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
“I took care of your clown problem.”
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.