Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
You Might Also Like
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Who called them low rise jeans and not Teenage Waistband?
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Just a bush.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…