if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
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Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.