tinder is all about the long game
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Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
I don’t get marriage
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?