My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
You Might Also Like
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
sir, my pâté if you please
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!