Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
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*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Quadruple digit IQ
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
*3.5 thank you very much.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.