Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
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If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
I think we should hear other voices.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
oh u like geography? name every lake
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
wtf management?!