When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
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Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
I need a headline like this
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?