BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
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Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?