every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
You Might Also Like
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who鈥檚 still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
can鈥檛 help feeling like there鈥檚 already a name for this
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they鈥檇 seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It鈥檚 not very hard
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn鈥檛 sound challenging enough.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 馃檪
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa鈥檚. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
The only jealous bone I鈥檝e ever had in my body is yours.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.