You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
You Might Also Like
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
me: im fine, everything鈥檚 fine
my search history: i beg to differ
I hope Alan is OK
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
He is just living hist best little life 馃槉
If I ever pass out, don鈥檛 come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
It was Timothy鈥檚 second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.