If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
You Might Also Like
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??