Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
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“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]